October 31, 2014 and March 10, 2015
These two days are cemented in my brain as two of the most painful days of my life. These are the days that I was 100% positive that my pregnancy failed and I was miscarrying. With the first pregnancy I was 7 weeks pregnant when the spotting and cramping started. I'd never been pregnant before but the same way I knew that I was pregnant was the same way I knew that I was losing the pregnancy. My body and mind somehow knew that something was very wrong. With the second pregnancy I was 9 weeks pregnant but had a missed miscarriage where my body stopped developing the baby at 5 weeks. For 4 weeks my body thought I was still pregnant. I thought I was still pregnant with raging hormones, major food aversions and obsession with pancakes. By the time the spotting started, it was only within a few days that I would naturally miscarry. The first pregnancy my doctor recommended a D&C but for the second, it happened so fast from the point the spotting began that I miscarried naturally. Miscarrying naturally was not only one of the most painful experiences of my life but also one of the most disturbing. I highly recommend women going through a D&C or if getting the pill or miscarrying naturally, that they are medicated for the pain and anxiety. I don't think a horse tranquilizer would have calmed me that night. It was 4 hours of intense pain which I read were contractions. Luckily my Mom stayed with me on the phone through much of the experience.
How do you deal with this loss?
After the first miscarriage, I was heartbroken. I cried every day for a month. Yes, every single day I could not help but cry. I'd wake up and cry, cry in the shower, cry in the hallway at work. I'm sure the hormones added to my grief but I had started planning so much for our family addition and it never occurred to me that it could be taken away. My Mom and sister never miscarried so I didn't think that would happen to me. For some reason I was convinced I was having a girl and her name was already decided. A combination of Matt's grandmother and my great grandmother. I was nuts over banana milkshakes with that pregnancy. But over time, I slowly I felt more like myself. It did take a couple of months but once I did feel like myself, we tried again.
On the first try, we had success with pregnancy number two. This pregnancy I really loved pancakes with fruit. I craved it every day and gave fully into my cravings on Sundays after church. I also hated seafood, it was utterly repulsive. Then on a Thursday evening after a semi stressful day, I started spotting lightly. Then Friday came and the spotting was still there. Saturday morning the cramping started and more blood. We went to the ER where they did a ton of tests and told us the development was only at 5 weeks not 9 weeks. They sent me off with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. I told Matt it was definite we lost the baby but it was like I didn't really believe it myself. Not until Tuesday evening when I naturally miscarried. And I haven't felt like myself since. As of today, there are no more pregnancy hormones in my system (took a pregnancy test) but I woke up today feeling shitty as ever. I was hoping the hormones were to blame for still feeling really down but they weren't, it's just me.
The first pregnancy loss left me sad and crying. This loss is filled with anxiety and hopelessness. The first loss meant it was a fluke. The second loss meant there is something wrong with me. Or at least that is how it feels. We're doing tests but I can't help but worry that I won't be a Mom. That I'm not a woman. That I've let myself down and my husband down but the kicker is that there is not a thing I can do to change it. It's not like making a mistake, there is no fix, no way to improve. There is just this lack of control and uncertainty. Some doctors say this is recurrent miscarriage and some say 3 are. My doctor is testing us now and I am glad. Do you need to wait for a third loss to see if something is wrong? This is the most devastating times of my life so to wait and see if my body will fail me again is a painful idea.
I don't know how to fix me. I force myself to function every day and I'm hoping that leaving the house will stop being as difficult as it has been.
